Sunshine and the Sexpo

I have to admit that the idea of going to the Sexpo alone was too intimidating, so I dragged my best (male) friend with me so I wouldn’t be caught blushing at sex toys by myself. As it turns out, this was his second Sexpo so he already knew the ropes and promised to take me to the ‘best’ stands...

The queue when we arrived snaked from the gate right to the end of the Gallagher Estates road. All sizes and races, young and old, were giggling in anticipation of this year’s event and The Shaggin' Wagon with its sound effects and crazy movements at the entrance had everyone feeling naughty from the get go.

I was greeted by the sight of a giant golden mechanical penis as we walked into the venue that you could ride like a bull. OMG, I had to ride! Loud music and sexual moans filled the exhibition halls, as a sexy girl in a nurse uniform handed me a pink penis-shaped razor holder and a handful of condoms. She must have assumed that my friend was my partner. We laughed it off and kept moving.

First stop was the body art stand, which I loved, and I have to applaud the ladies who stood naked as salivating Matric boys watched their outfits being airbrushed by the artists (ala Girls of the Playboy Mansion). 

In a trance-like state I stopped at every single stand to listen carefully as various sales assistants tried to convince me to buy roasted nuts (peanuts, that is); a dildo; underwear; blow-up dolls and even a two metre whip for 'my bondage fetish'. There was no room to be embarrassed. Everyone at the Sexpo was extremely comfortable with their sexuality, and filled up bags buying all the toys, DVDs and costumes on display.

My next stop was the world famous Pricasso stand

I watched in awe as the old painter used his penis as a brush to paint works of art on canvas, naked. Wearing nothing but a silver top hat and bow tie, Pricasso dipped, mixed and shaded a portrait of a young lady as I wondered what type of paint he was using. I was worried for his manhood. How did he clean it after every colour and didn’t the paint affect its functionality? I couldn’t watch anymore, with every stroke my face kept changing shades of pink to red.

At the Lollipop Club, the dimly lit mobile strip club, I met the famous stripper Gigi (previous Survivor winner) in all her naked glory. I couldn’t watch the men strip at the Chippendales stand, so I thought naked women would be a better option. The ladies gave stellar performances in sky high heels and even went so far as to give lap dances, at a fee of course, to various couples in the audience.

Inspired by the sexy strippers...

... I dragged my friend to the underwear stall to see if I could find something to take home to my guy for our personal strip tease. There were two that stood out. Baci has the naughtiest and trendiest pieces. Little animal print one-piece lingerie with lace trimmings, bedazzled nipple caps with matching edible thongs and fishnet stockings.
              
This stand was mild compared to what I’d seen next door: crotchless knickers and nipple clamps. Lola Montez, whose motto is naughty things for nice girls, was a whole other ball game. Crystal embellished lipstick-size dildos, sensual beads made from the finest materials and vibrating lace knickers. There were more men buying toys than women at this stand. I think it was the stripper shoes with the dollar bill that drew them in!

For those looking for a Vegas-style quickie wedding without the bells and whistles, the Chapel of Love, with an actual priest, gave you a chance to get married right there. Wonder if the annulments were just as quick? The 3D walk-through exhibition was not for the faint hearted, but I had to go in. All I can say is OMG, those glasses made everything come alive.

Don’t be scared by my experience. The Sexpo was fun and scary at the same time, but I would attend in a heartbeat next year. I just wish that the dildos didn’t have to vibrate as you walked through the exhibition, that buzzing sound followed me all the way home!

Don't miss the Cape Town round!

Catch the Sexpo at the CTICC from 25 – 28 November, open from 11am until late. Tickets are available at Computicket.

Images: Camera provided by Olympus PEN – shooting great pictures has never been so easy.