How to understand a football match

The 2010 Fifa World Cup is officially upon us. Those of us who love football can’t wait, but if you’re getting depressed at the thought of being invisible to your partner for a month because you haven’t got a clue about The Beautiful Game and couldn’t care less, here’s your essential cheat sheet.

The players

There are 11 of them on the field: a goalkeeper (think Bafana Bafana’s hunky Itumeleng Khune), defenders (such as Matthew Booth and team captain Aaron Mokoena), midfielders (such as our wonderful Steven Pienaar) whose job it is to distribute balls to the strikers (like Katlego Mphela), who have to put the ball in the back of the opponent’s net.

The game

The objective of a football match is – I hope you can follow this – to put the ball in the back of your opponent’s net. A match starts with the toss (of the coin, Barbie) between the two team captains to decide which side each team plays from, as well as who kicks off the match. After the ball is placed on the centre line the referee blows his whistle, officially starting the match. From then on, each side tries to penetrate the other side’s half to score goals, preferably without losing possession of the ball.

A football match is played over two halves which last 45 minutes each. The game can last longer, though, as the referee can add a few minutes if the game has been stopped due to injury or any other interruption. Extra time – which lasts 15 minutes a side – is also sometimes added when the teams tie at the end of a ‘knockout’ or ‘Cup challenge’ match.

The rules

Players can use any part of the body to handle the ball except their hands (when the ball is handled it results in a handball, which gives your opponent a free kick. This rule does not apply to goalkeepers, who can handle the ball within their own penalty area).

When a free kick is awarded against you, your opponent gets a chance to kick the ball unimpeded by your players.

When you hear fundis scream ‘Offside!’, it means that a player (or players) from the advancing team is in front of the opposing side’s last defender when the ball is played.

When everyone leaps to their feet shouting ‘Penalty!’, an offence has been committed against a player of the advancing team (e.g. tripping him or tugging at his shirt) when he’s in the ‘box’ or penalty area with a clear way to score.

The ball is then placed on a mark in front of the goals and it’s just the penaltytaker versus the goalkeeper. This is like having a clear passage to that last pair of Louboutins at a 75%-off sale, only to have someone trip you to get them first. In a penalty situation, you’d be given first dibs on those heels.

Now the aforementioned ‘box’ is a demarcated area 18 yards from the goal, also called the 18 area. Remember TKZee’s smash hit, ‘Shibobo’: ‘Bennie’s in the 18 area!’ The 18 area is a dangerous zone for your opponent to be in, as any mistake you make could lead to a goal. It is also the only area in which your goalkeeper can handle the ball.

Now you know the basic rules, don’t embarrass me by asking fans questions like ‘Whaddya you mean, “offside”?’ Happy World Cup viewing!

Meet FAIRLADY’s coach

Mpho Maboi (pictured)is the co-anchor of The NFD Show on Supersport – which focuses on the National First Division. She’s also a DJ on Gauteng’s youth radio station YFM 99.2. During the World Cup she’ll be supporting all the African teams, but her dream final match-up is Spain versus Ivory Coast or Spain versus England.

Photograph: Supplied