That Other Woman

When Sara Campbell* (30), a Jo’burg attorney, came across an email in which her fiancé had written a poem to a colleague, she was furious. Aside from the emotional intimacy the poem suggested, it was the fact that he’d never declared the status of the friendship that upset her. ‘It was merely known to me that she was his colleague, not that he had become deep friends with her. My argument was: “If you have nothing to hide, then why are you hiding this friendship?” The worst part was that he was discussing our relationship problems with this girl.’ After months of arguing, he broke off the friendship. ‘This wasn’t what I’d wanted – it made me look like the “baddie”. I’d have liked to at least be included in the friendship now and then.’

When he’s too close (to her) for comfort

‘I don’t think it ever feels okay when your partner has an intense intimate friendship with another woman,’ says Cape Town-based clinical psychologist Catherine Michelson. ‘And whether it’s all right with you or not, it’s inevitable that he’ll talk to her about personal issues, and more than likely he’ll discuss your relationship. This can leave women feeling very exposed. Ironically, we do this with our own female friends all the time, and it drives men crazy!’

As professors of sociology Rosemary Blieszner (Virginia Tech, US) and Rebecca Adams (University of North Carolina, US) noted: Women confide in women. Men confide in women. The good news is that there are some advantages to his confiding in someone else: this lessens the pressure on you to be his sole confidante and he may benefit from third-party female insight. On the other hand, if he’s not confiding in you at all, there’s cause for concern.

The good old days

Sometimes it’s his oldest friendships that push our buttons... whether due to their emotional intimacy, shared history, or overfamiliar way of interacting. ‘Brent has a girlfriend he has been friends with since the age of about 15,’ says Cape Town journalist Natalie Thomas* (34). ‘Initially we clashed a lot – not because I was suspicious of a romantic interest, but because, when she and Brent and another guy friend of theirs get together, they have a kind of shared “language” that I can’t relate to.’

Familiarise yourself with the friend, suggests Michelson. ‘And be included in arrangements until you feel safe.’ It’s important to know the history of the friendship and if it ever developed into something sexual, advises psychologist, life coach and radio psychologist Dr Helgo Schomer. ‘I prefer that the friend be introduced to you right from the start so that she sees the exclusive relationship between you and your partner.’ Never dishonour the friendship, he adds, ‘although that doesn’t mean you have to be best buddies either.’

As for new friendships, well, these tend to crop up often, especially as people take up sports, says Michelson. ‘This can feel terribly uncomfortable,’ she acknowledges. ‘To help matters, the woman should be introduced to you, and your partner must be upfront about the friendship and when he is seeing her.’ Michelson also suggests inviting the woman and her partner (if applicable) to dinner ‘to detox the situation’.

When he’s overstepping the boundaries

Sometimes, though, it really is the case that his behaviour is provocative or un-fair to you, whether he knows it or not. ‘If the man has had a history of his partners feeling insecure, it may be that something in the way he relates to people needs to be looked at,’ says Michelson. ‘For example, some people have a particular “style” in social settings – ignoring their partner, focusing on one person the whole evening, or doing the “splitting thing”, where the friend becomes good and the partner bad – that can create anxieties.’

US marriage/family therapist and author Dave Carder (Torn Asunder, Close Calls) identifies the following danger signs: you haven’t been introduced to her; he doesn’t want to include you in at least some of their outings; he doesn’t want to mix you and her in social groups; or he’s mentioning her name often in general conversation.

‘If your partner is actively cultivating the friendship and spending more time with her than a casual friendship would dictate, then he’s breaching marital trust,’ says Carder. And though some flirtation with others is natural (this goes for you too), ‘If he’s flirting on a daily basis, if this is constant behaviour, it’s problematic’.

Dealing with predators

‘Often women sense the neediness behind a woman’s desire to be friends with her partner,’ says Carder. ‘This can suggest a deeper motive.’ Not every woman should be treated as such, but predators do exist, says Schomer. Find out who she is, he advises. How close do they get physically? How much time do they spend together? How important is she to him? (How important are her phone calls?) Does she interact with other men like that?

If she’s clearly throwing herself at him, Schomer suggests confronting her ‘then and there’. ‘Tell her that what she’s doing is unacceptable,’ says Schomer.  Michelson, however, disagrees. ‘It’s preferable to deal with the situation within the relationship, or it can get very messy.’ This is what building relationship skills is all about, she says.

If he doesn’t see the friendship as a problem

Keep in mind that what feels unbearable to you might be comfortable for him – and vice versa. And no matter how self-confident you may be, if your partner behaves in an unexpected manner, this may cause some anxiety. Often the way we interpret our partner’s behaviour can be attributed to our personal histories of attachment, as well as the strength of the partnership. ‘If either of you has an insecure or disrupted attachment history, this can make it more difficult for one partner to have opposite-sex friendships,’ says Michelson.

If you’re unsure whether the core issue is your own insecurity, or whether it really is his (or her) behaviour, some introspection is a good first step. Ask yourself if she has any qualities you admire (it may be as simple as ‘she’s slim’) or if their friendship has something you feel is lacking in the relationship (such as ‘they laugh a lot’). The answer may reveal your own deepest desires, in which case you have something to work with.

‘If your discomfort involves all of his female friends, you might be struggling with personal insecurity/jealousy issues,’ says Carder. Another way to assess the situation is to get feedback from others, suggests Michelson. What you interpret as romantic interest or sexual innuendo might be seen very differently by someone who saw the same behaviour. ‘This can show that you may be reading too much into the situation.’

And finally, says Michelson, ‘if your partner’s reassurance is sincere, and you’re still not comfortable, or if it’s the case that even the smallest things become a sensitivity – when he smiles at someone, is pre-occupied for a moment, gets an SMS – it can be useful to see a therapist.’

Negotiating boundaries

‘Feelings are always subjective,’ says Michelson. ‘This is about saying “These are my feelings and they need recognition, even if you don’t agree, or if I’m overreacting.” And if you are overreacting, this needs to be sorted out with sensitivity. ‘The details [such as when, where and how often he meets her] should be negotiable and out in the open,’ she says. ‘Boundaries are about clarifying values by which both of you feel honoured and respected,’ says Schomer. ‘The idea is to develop a code of conduct that both of you can work with. If your partner is from an entirely different background or culture, it can be more difficult and a mediator may be required.’

Putting ‘us’ first

‘The couple must come first,’ says Michelson. ‘If this is kept in mind, and communication is open and direct, this reduces a lot of the difficulty. Working on the intimacy and depth of the relationship (through communication, keeping good connections, strengthening the relationship, enjoying a healthy sex life), but in a natural rather than paranoid fashion, is the best way to nurture and protect your relationship.’

Take things a step further by asserting your role in his life, both to him and to others: go to that office party, show some interest in his hobbies, attend a couple of those annoying running club meetings... (and let’s hope he’s making the same effort for you.) Of course, prioritising the relationship doesn’t mean putting aside your needs as an individual... ‘The happier you are, the more you bring to the marriage/relationship,’ says Carder.

Bonus point

Let’s not forget the upside of being with a man who is able to see women as friends, not potential lovers. ‘If your partner can relate well to women, and with respect, this is a good indication of how he’ll treat you,’ says Schomer. And sometimes, seeing that others find him interesting makes you realise you’ve bagged one of the best men on Earth (and Mars). What’s more, his opposite-sex friendships give you the freedom to enjoy your own. 

* Names have been changed