The A-Z of a fantastic sex life

THE EXPERTS

•    Prof Elna McIntosh, sexologist at the Disa Sexual and Reproductive Clinic in Johannesburg
•    Megan Pentz-Kluyts, registered dietician

•    Christa Coetzee, sex therapist with the South African Sexual Health Association (SASHA)

A: AGE
It’s true that women hit their sexual peak around 35–40 years of age – by then we’ve made peace with our bodies. But we’re often too stressed out to live up to the promise.  ‘And hormonal changes which cause a decrease in natural lubrication can also wreak havoc with our sexual peak,’ says Coetzee. We may try to avoid intimacy because we don’t want the discomfort of dry sex. Coetzee suggests working with any changes. ‘Using lubrication, for example, is perfectly okay.’

B: BREATHING
Yes, sex helps us relax, but what about relaxing during sex?
‘Deep breathing is very important to facilitate blood flow to the clitoris,’ says Prof McIntosh. In the excitement of it, we tend to stop breathing, which can delay or even inhibit orgasm.  ‘We are a society of shallow breathers anyway,’ adds Prof McIntosh, ‘but the more oxygen running through your body, the better.’

C: CONNECT
Connecting with your partner seems an obvious part of sex, but we’re often too busy thinking about something else. To make that connection, try to take things slowly. ‘Use “I” messages to tell your partner what you want,’ says Coetzee.  Even after years, your needs change – and so do your partner’s. ‘Use your body and your breathing to indicate that what your partner is doing is right.’

D: DEPRESSION
‘If I’m not feeling good about me, it’s hard to reach out to someone else,’ says Coetzee. ‘Good sex, which demands active involvement, becomes too much when you’re depressed.’ But the sadder you are, the more likely it is that you need the endorphins that sex provides. ‘Sometimes you need to just go for it,’ says Coetzee. It may take longer to get you out of that dark place – cue more foreplay – but if your partner is patient, the rewards are there. If you’re on antidepressants, they can stunt libido.

E: ENVIRONMENT
‘We forget that we thrive on our senses,’ says Coetzee. ‘If you want to feel in the mood, create an atmosphere, not just for your partner, but for yourself.’ Think about it: what smell brings you comfort? What do you like to feel on your skin? What music gets you right there? Go and put it on, then.

F: FANTASY
We shouldn’t feel guilty about our fantasies, but whether or not we should share them with our partner is a tricky issue. ‘You need to know clearly where you both stand,’ says Coetzee. ‘Identify which ones you don’t want to act out, and which you do [if any].’ Sometimes, they’re just too wild – and it’s okay to keep those to yourself. ‘Fantasies are good if they enhance intimacy,’ she says, ‘whether you share them or not.’

G: G- SPOT
It does exist. But some are luckier than others. A recent study by Emmanuele Jannini of the University of L’Aquila in Italy (reported in New Scientist) found that women who reported vaginal orgasms (those associated with stimulation of the G-spot) had a thicker, blood vessel-rich band of tissue between the vagina and the urethra. ‘But don’t over fixate on it,’ says Coetzee. ‘Many women don’t go for the deep penetration that stimulation of the G-spot requires anyway.’

H: HOLIDAY
If you’re finding sex boring, or annoying, take a break. ‘Make it a constructive holiday,’ says Coetzee. Do other things to keep the flame burning: kissing, cuddling, mutual masturbation or oral sex are good ways to get the satisfaction you want without the pressure of intercourse. ‘Often we’ll avoid intimacy because we want to avoid sex,’ says Coetzee. Break this no-win situation by getting your partner focused on just plain loving, with no penetration.

I: INTIMACY
It’s tricky; on one hand you want that comfortable lovemaking that being close to someone provides, but on the other you long for the excitement of the chase. ‘Regaining spark means getting the balance right,’ says Prof McIntosh. ‘It can be difficult, but it helps to first put some of the mystery back.’ Try some gentle role-playing or sexy SMSes, or let him flirt if he wants to. ‘People think being intimate means you have to be possessive and tell your partner everything,’ says Prof McIntosh, ‘but that can be a passion-killer.’ Getting it right is about trust – and finding a love that suits your style.

J: JOGGING
Exercise stimulates testosterone, the sex hormone. And being fit makes you feel better about your body too. Try cardio exercise, such as running, which boosts the blood flow to your organs and the oxygen- carrying capacity of all your muscles. Slower exercise such as yoga is good too, especially for releasing tension in key areas that may be inhibiting your arousal.

K: KINKY
Sex toys are no longer garish. Rebecca Maserow, of sensual boutique, Kink, in Cape Town, says the Lilo Nea, a small clitoral vibrator is one of the bestsellers. ‘And the Fun Factory Delight is just the best thing around; it hits the G-spot and the clitoris, and is aesthetically gorgeous. These are not intimidating and can enhance sex.’

L: L-ARGININE
Sometimes called ‘natural Viagra’, amino acid L-Arginine is used by our bodies to make nitric oxide, which causes the smooth muscle surrounding blood vessels to relax. Relaxation of the smooth muscle in the penis facilitates an erection. ‘Studies show that L-Arginine helps improve sexual function in men,’ says Pentz-Kluyts. ‘No studies on women have been done, but it’s likely they’ll enjoy the same effects.’

M: MOTHERHOOD
Feeling sexy is a tall order when baby arrives and your breasts resemble leaky melons. A good partner will allow you the space you need to find that goddess again, and do things in bed that make you feel you’re gaining something, that it’s not just another drain on you. But you can help by expressing what you need.

N: NORMAL
Never compare your sexual behaviour to outside norms. ‘It’s about finding your own “normal”, not someone else’s,’ says Coetzee. If you sacrifice your norms to please your partner, you’ll only create distance.

O: ORAL SEX
How do you ask for it? ‘We are so afraid of what we look and smell like down there, that we deny ourselves,’ says Coetzee. But according to Health24’s Great South African Sex Survey, 53% of men said they ‘love, love, love’ going down on their women, 31% said they didn’t mind, and only 16% said they’d rather not.

P: PRIORITISE
Make sexual activity a part of your lives as opposed to a nice add-on. While it’s good to have sex spontaneously, sometimes it’s impossible. ‘You need to book the time,’ says Prof McIntosh. And when you do, there’s a better chance you’ll make the most of it. ‘Be specific about what you ask for,’ she says.

Q: QUICKIES
‘In a long-term relationship, quickies can still mean quality sex,’ says Prof McIntosh. The key is to connect, and to make it fun. An orgasm, though it would be lovely, should not be the ultimate goal. Rather, see a quickie as stealing a slice of love out of your busy lives.

R: ROLE-PLAYING
Well, either you’re into this one or you aren’t. Ideally, it allows you to explore hidden sides of yourself in a rewarding, intimate space. Powerful women often enjoy playing innocent maidens – it’s about freeing secret parts of you.

S: SOYA
Soya is rich in isoflavonoids (phytoestrogen), and is very useful in balancing your hormones, and for vaginal lubrication.

T: TITILLATE
Want to really turn him on? Confidence, says Prof McIntosh, is the biggest turn-on. Women get into bed with all sorts of notions of what they should look like. If the image you have of yourself is a negative one, bump up the positives. Ask your partner to tell you what he loves about your body – chances are you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

U: UNDERWEAR
Good sex is helped by careful presentation, and lovely underwear makes you feel sexy too. ‘If you are self-conscious about your tummy, try a camisole,’ says Kink’s Maserow. If you don’t like your arms, wrap a lacy scarf around them, she says. And a sexy slip can be peeled off once the lights are dim.

V: VIAGRA
There are several natural alternatives to this virility drug, such as gingko (especially if sexual dysfunction is a side effect of antidepressants) and L-Arginine, which have been effective in clinical trials. Pentz-Kluyts suggests foods rich in B6,B12, C and E vitamins and selenium (walnuts and brazil nuts, seafood, chicken and broccoli are good options here).

W: WISH LIST
If you’ve reached a dead end in your lovemaking, write a list (separately) of things you’d like to try. Use it as a platform to start some dirty dialogue – use verbs first, says Prof McIntosh, then if you’re comfortable, get a little more descriptive.

X: X-RATED FILMS
‘More women than we think are into porn,’ says Coetzee. If you aren’t, your man watching it is not a betrayal. Far from it, it’s the way many men fantasise. But if his porn watching interferes with your time together and his time with the family, you may need to confront the issue.

Y: YLANG-YLANG
And ginger. Two scents you and your lover need to know.

Z: ZINC
All the well-known aphrodisiac foods are rich in zinc, which increases sperm count, ups fertility in women and maintains healthy levels of testosterone. It can also alleviate anxiety, so close your eyes, take a deep breath...